No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
You Might Also Like
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My blood type is b hungry.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I’m going to need a moment here.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Print is alive and well!!!
my name if I was in the mob
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please