I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I just tested negative for patience.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!