Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
figuring out my emotional availability:
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.