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I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t