To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Practicing safe sax
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell