(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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2022: I can fix it
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I love the honesty
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
It’s a gift
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*