Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?