I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Geez man, take it easy.
📽️movie date🎞️
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.