As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
It’s the weekend y’all
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.