[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
You Might Also Like
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly