BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
subtitles are so good nowadays
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…