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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
This could be us… but you playing
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.