Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
#ProTip
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Yoga Matt
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.