I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
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It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!