friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
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In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Whoa 😂
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go