We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.