Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
fixed it
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.