It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Good morning
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Damn he played himself
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.