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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN