Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
This meal prepping shit easy
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.