Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
#inspiration #foodforthought
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.