In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
You Might Also Like
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.