#parenting
You Might Also Like
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.