Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Just ordered me some pizza!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth