The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.