When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
pls suprot
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.