[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
my first day as a raccoon
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one