Who called it baking and not making love
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.