I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.