COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens