2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Donating blood today to make room for more food
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?