Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
You Might Also Like
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
😂 amazing answer
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.