Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.