If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me redecorating every room in my mind
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
birds and squirrels envy us