Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?