5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
You Might Also Like
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.