me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.