Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
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Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.