When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
tourist season
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft