There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Spring of Deception
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.