“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me