How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Attacked by a mop.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
no regrets
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Breaking news:
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant