If only.
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A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”