Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.