Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
The best plant holders?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees