me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?