Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
12653.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.