*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.