If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.