I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999